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My Top 10 Facebook Hates

  • 10. Facebook couples: You know what and who I’m talking about. Yes, I’m talking about JackandJill Hill, John Jane Doe, and all the other joined-at-the-hip couples. Whaaa the fuuuu? You each can’t have your own life? Believe me, you each need to get one and soon.
  • 9. Reposters: Get an original thought. Enough said. I don’t give a shit if you repost this or not.
  • 8. I’m here to play games and that’s it: I’ve already written about this one, so I’ll just refer you to this post in which I talk about why we can defriend.
  • 7. The one extreme: Telling us about how your life sucks and then getting mad when we ask you why. Um, you’re the one who put your life out on display. If you didn’t want us to give a shit (phrase of the day: “give a shit,” it’s a good thing in this context; if you’re receiving one on your doorstep in a flaming bag, not so good), then don’t say anything and we won’t.
  • 6. The other extreme: Interpreting every status update as a plea for help so you can ask, “Are you okay, Cindy Lou? Hope you’re OK. Hugs and kisses.” Or even worse, if you say, “I’ll pray for you.” I immediately want to stick my finger down my throat and force myself to vomit.
  • 5. Rhetorical questions such as “What am I to do now?”: If you haven’t learned by now about this social networking thing that people are going to tell you exactly what you should do now (STFU), when (NOW), why, where, when and how (insert your own cute quips here — and you know where else to put them — _______), then you haven’t learned anything about this social networking thing. So don’t get mad when we respond to your rhetorical questions. Do you know what I’m saying?
  • 4. Posting Grateful Dead videos all day 24 hours a day: We get it already. You’re a junkie and we’re not interested in purchasing. If you’ve got any free weed, though…we’re still not interested unless you’re interested in carrying it across state lines to us.  And  by “us,” Mr. DEA agent, I do not mean specifically “me.” I’m speaking rhetorically.
  • 3. Slamming Mark Zuckerberg and his product in your status updates: Ummmm….yeah. Get over yourself, Eduardo. It’s not like you aren’t benefiting from it too.
  • 2. Thread Creeps: Especially when they invade my wall. Don’t they know that I am the Thread Creep, or Professional Thread Jacker at Your Service.
  • 1. People who use Facebook only to put up links to their own blog posts and don’t otherwise interact with their “friends”: Again, like No. 10, you know what and who I’m talking about. Four fingers pointing back. Pot calling kettle black.

The tags and links were recommended by Zemanta. Some of them make no sense, so I thought it was perfectly acceptable to include.

49 responses to “My Top 10 Facebook Hates

  1. I recently stopped posting my blog posts on facebook because I realized I don’t use it for anything else. I don’t update much because I use twitter. Sometimes I use fb to see what’s up with my family so I don’t have to call them.
    The people who complain but then don’t want to talk about it, they do that on twitter too. I hate that. One tweeter will tweet something then when someone responds, says ” I really shouldn’t be talking about this here” Fuck you, so why did you? Ggrrrrr

  2. I totally agree with this post. Except your #6 would probably be my #1. Seriously drives me crazy.

    • I should have said that my list is not in order of importance. 🙂

      I was just going off the top of my head for this list. If I thought about it some more, I would have moved No. 6 up.

  3. alfred lives here

    Excellent post. Bitchy and petty, but hey I like that.

    I agree especially with the FB maters – so unplug, dammit – and also am equally annoyed by those who ask us what to do in their status. Am not your therapist, am a 3rd cousin twice removed or a coworker from the 90s people. Don’t go so deep….

  4. I think you just insulted an entire nation. Good luck getting your next television set or stereo to work right.

  5. P.S. — I am the worst Thread Creep ever. The problem is, I like thread creep, and take it as a sign that I’ve sparked a little creativity, or that the blog and its commenters have sparked a little creativity. The way I see it, it’s like being at a party and dropping in on all the conversations people are having in every room. But some people are more linear in their thinking, so I can understand why it might be frustrating. Why I might be frustrating.

    And, shit, Bryan, speaking of things taking an unexpected turn, have you heard about all the shit going down in Japan today?

  6. You know, if you wanted to unfriend me, you could have just said so.

    Facebook is weird. One, it’s addictive, like candy and cocaine. Two, it’s mostly useless, like candy and cocaine. Three…well, I don’t have a three, I just like things in threes. But I was going to add that I mostly like to post stupid shit on Facebook. Like, “Hey, I’m not wearing a shirt!” or “I’m having a sandwich!”

    Curiously, I’ve found it’s those comments that attract the most attention.

    • It’s crazy sometimes the amount of comments you can get on something stupid. For example, the other day I commented something about searching for more TV shows on Netflix even though I already was “invested in” a half a dozen others. I had more comments on that than if I had put up something controversial.

  7. Pingback: A simple act of kindess redux | an unfinished person (in this unfinished universe)

  8. #9 – Especially those who repost the unoriginal thought of another FB’er who used a website to generate their “funny” status in the first place – idiots.

    By the way, I miss you over at CityVille, (((hugs))).

  9. First, I love the fact that you’ve linked to Wikipedia to full explain shit. Nice.

    Next, the couple account is not cute, not clever and unacceptable. Good call.

    Last, viva la Zemanta. Well done, friend.

    • I can’t take credit for Zemanta. It’s just one of those things WordPress.com offers, so I go with it, but sometimes I don’t know where it comes up with its suggestions.

  10. You missed the incessant “Change your profile picture to a gnu to support a cure for a gnu disease” because changing your profile picture and your status somehow magically cures illnesses.

  11. Okay, okay, I’ll quit with the Grateful Dead posts.

  12. All very good points. I’ve been slowly but surely weaning myself off Facebook games. Also, I’ve been trying to limit my Facebook time. I’ve been on Twitter a bit more. There are days where I have something like 80+ game requests on my profile that I really don’t like going through.

    I have been guilty of posting links to my blog posts on my profile, at times, but I do interact as well. I definitely do this with Twitter, but I also interact there. 🙂

    My brother-in-law’s ex-wife is really good at numbers 6 and 7. For the most part, I ignore them, but some of them are just so out there, that you have to look sometimes. These definitely are all things people should keep in mind when using either Facebook or Twitter.

    • Game requests: I block almost all of them….well, mostly games, period.

      I try to interact not only with blog posts, but sometimes I admit I am guilty of doing that via Facebook and Twitter, both.

  13. Yeah, I hate all games on FB and refuse to play. I also link to my blog, but I do interact. It’s a love/hate thing.

  14. Well, I guess you’ve had your say! Hopefully, I don’t fall into any of those categories.

  15. Oh hell Bryan, I don’t know what any of this means. If I’m guilty, I’m sorry. I don’t really understand the point of FB in the first place. My daughter in law set it up for me. It’s cool and everything, I guess. It might be better if I knew what the point of it is.

  16. You can’t beat up on people for #1. We don’t all use FB for the same reason.

    Somewhat recluse, I have NEVER been into the perceived onligation to chat, interact, or invest time in any online social networking: my blog is explicitely for experimental writing, and the writing (albiet poor) IS the work .

    -FB, unfortunately, is merely a vehicle for some games I have enjoyed.

    So “Rude?” Really? -using these two vastly-disparate TOYS makes me inherently guilty of NOTHING … and I am virtually unrepentant.

    -BUT-

    I do understand what you are saying. I have been thinking about hitting on this on my blog soon.

    PLs feel free to leave a comment I can ignore it.

    🙂

    • You might think of your writing as poor, but that doesn’t mean that you’re not hilarious, because you are.

      Hil-arious.

      Oh, I mean, your blog is. Not your face. 😉

  17. I hate all this and more!

  18. LOL. I use FB for blog posts and interact now and then, though probably not often enough, so I guess I’m guilty of #1. I know a few people who do #7 *a lot* and I guess some people just need attention. I started using FB because I needed to for work but now that I don’t… I may just go back to using it just for blog posts, haha.

    • I know I’m guilty of No. 1, especially on my one neglected Facebook profile. However, this post is exactly the reason I have two of them, so I can feel free to post stuff like this without repercussions — for example, the Grateful Dead videos, that’s actually from one of my Facebook friends…well, without too many repercussions. 😉

      Wow. Really? You had to use Facebook for work? I try to keep work separated from Facebook, but then I work at two part-time jobs where work doesn’t really overlap. I have one Facebook friend who is a coworker and I normally don’t comment about work on either Facebook profile…except to say “going to work” or something innocuous like that.

  19. #10 always get me. Why ?! It’s just as annoying to young Jimmy when his mother says: “Jimmy, take your little brother along”

  20. BibliophileBytheSea

    I already hate FB, and now so many more reasons for me never to go back….LOL Thanks — all valid points BTW.

  21. LMAO OMG!! I can totally relate!! Thus, why I #Twitter more than #Face now! 🙂

    • I actually have more civil conversations on Twitter and things don’t get misconstrued. Emoticons aren’t ignored there like they are on Facebook. Everybody takes everything so literally on Facebook.

      No. 12: Literal interpretationists. Sometimes I do write in allegories. I don’t believe the seven days of Creation actually were seven days. They might have been the seven days of Evolution too.

  22. Oh this is too funny. I can’t decide what # is my favorite they are all so good!

    I do post my blog on FB – but I interact with my friends a lot there too. Other than that, I don’t think I’ve broken any of these ‘rules’. YAY ME!

    • I won’t lie I was on a roll when I started, but the roll started to give out toward the end, probably because I actually like Facebook, for the most part. Just some things annoy me about it, mainly the people on it. 😉

      I interact too, but sometimes do have to tread lightly lest I start a Facebook war. No. 11: Facebook wars. They’re real in some people’s minds.

  23. What about people who use FB to brag about their many vacations and nights out on the town? (though I’m secretly intrigued, and very much jealous!)

    • Hey, if I were on vacation, I’d brag about it too. Most of my Facebook friends aren’t on vacation too much and when they are, they deserve it. As for nights on the town, I must not hang in the cool circles which you do. 🙂

  24. Heh– sounds like a man who needs a serious break from Facebook. 🙂 And if you are referring to yesterday with #7, I apologize. I wasn’t angry.