I work two part-time jobs as a librarian assistant and a correspondent at a newspaper, plus I volunteer at a senior center a couple of days a week and at a hospice as needed. In all four of those “positions,” to one degree or another, I am asked to keep certain things confidential. Over the last year, the pressure has been building until finally I have to give you:
The Top 5 Things I Can’t Tell You Because of The Confidentiality Clauses in My Contracts
5. Senior citizens are planning to take over the world. They’ve discovered the Fountain of Youth in Florida, and it isn’t a pool in a retirement home either. Ponce de Leon, though, was right, and now we’re going to hear their critiques of how young women dress in public (“They’re just asking to be raped”) for the next 30 to 60 years until we also will be repeating the same critiques.
4. Elvis is dead. Don’t ask me how I know, but I do.
3. The mayor of our town is into
gay bondage, er, I mean, politically correct person that I am, just regular bondage, er, no, religious person that I am, I mean pornography state-sponsored pornography. Again, don’t ask me how I know, but let’s just say “Robert Mapplethorpe” and “interlibrary loan.”
2. The school board president is a Catholic, and is planning to take over the world and pump the music of Elvis through the p.a. systems at all the district schools. Surprisingly, though, there is no bondage (gay or otherwise) connection.
1. I already rule the world.