The Top 5 Things I Can’t Tell You Because of The Confidentiality Clauses in My Contracts

I work two part-time jobs as a librarian assistant and a correspondent at a newspaper, plus I volunteer at a senior center a couple of days a week and at a hospice as needed. In all four of those “positions,” to one degree or another, I am asked to keep certain things confidential. Over the last year, the pressure has been building until finally I have to give you:

The Top 5 Things I Can’t Tell You Because of The Confidentiality Clauses in My Contracts

Korean traffic sign

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5. Senior citizens are planning to take over the world. They’ve discovered the Fountain of Youth in Florida, and it isn’t a pool in a retirement home either. Ponce de Leon, though, was right, and now we’re going to hear their critiques of how young women dress in public (“They’re just asking to be raped”) for the next 30 to 60 years until we also will be repeating the same critiques.

4. Elvis is dead. Don’t ask me how I know, but I do.

galerija TR3, ljubljana.

Image via Wikipedia

3. The mayor of our town is into gay bondage, er, I mean, politically correct person that I am, just regular bondage, er, no, religious person that I am, I mean pornography state-sponsored pornography. Again, don’t ask me how I know, but let’s just say “Robert Mapplethorpe” and “interlibrary loan.”

2. The school board president is a Catholic, and is planning to take over the world and pump the music of Elvis through the p.a. systems at all the district schools. Surprisingly, though, there is no bondage (gay or otherwise) connection.

1. I already rule the world.

If I Ruled the World

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7 responses to “The Top 5 Things I Can’t Tell You Because of The Confidentiality Clauses in My Contracts

  1. Mapplethorpe’s pictures are eye-opening. Or, eye-closing, depending on which one you’re looking at. I can’t imagine a library putting most of them on display.

    Anyway, I knew librarians and reporters and hospice workers were attempting to take over the world. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon.

    And I’m sad to learn that Elvis is dead. I was sure he’d be making a dramatic comeback any day now.

    • unfinishedrambler

      Actually I just realized that I’ve given conflicting reports about Elvis. At one point, he was in the basement of our library, but now he’s dead. It was only last year he was still alive. Hmmm.

  2. It’s confirmed. Your “positions” have driven you to delusions.

    It’s the aliens and libraries are where the aliens have their planning meetings.

  3. Ha! I suspected as much!


  4. Damn it! Just today and co-worker and I set plans in motion to take over the world. Now we have to oust you and the geezers. I guess we should be prepared for obstacles like this, it is the world after all. She’s not going to be happy when I tell her about this.