When I was a boy, my aunt got me a book called Fortunately by Remy Charlip for my birthday.
Fortunately, Ned was invited to a surprise party.
Unfortunately, the party was a thousand miles away.
Fortunately, a friend loaned Ned an airplane.
Unfortunately, the motor exploded.
Fortunately, there was a parachute in the airplane.
Unfortunately, there was a hole in the parachute.
And so on and so forth, although the book my aunt got for me used my name instead, making it even more personal and me even more egocentric than a then only child could be.
Sometimes I think my life is still like that book. For example, take yesterday, except my life almost always begins with the unfortunately:
Unfortunately, yesterday morning my wife had to take our car to the salvage yard.
Fortunately, my job at the library yesterday afternoon was only a mile away so I could walk.
Unfortunately, yesterday it rained.
Fortunately, I have an umbrella.
Unfortunately, it was a compact umbrella, meaning when the rain ran off its ribs, it ran right down the back of my pants, and by the back of my pants, I mean, yes, down my ass crack and then down my pants as if I had peed my pants backwards.
Fortunately, the pair of pants I was wearing was black and not the beige ones I sometimes wear.
Unfortunately, the pair of socks I had placed in the backpack got soaked too.
Fortunately, somehow the pair of shoes I had placed in the backpack didn’t.
Unfortunately, the pair of socks that I was wearing still were wet so when I put them into the pair of dry shoes, it didn’t make much difference.
Fortunately, I don’t think patrons noticed the squishing sounds I made when I walked.
Unfortunately, I did notice and the sounds of water made me have to pee.
Fortunately, the library has a bathroom.
Unfortunately, I was unable to make it.
Fortunately, I was wearing black pants so no one noticed.
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