Wherein I Tell You What’s In The Ultra-Scary Side Of The Basement At Your Local Library

This is part III of an intermittent series on “Things You Didn’t Know About Your Local Library.” Parts I and II can be found here and here.

I’ve talked a lot about the basement at our library and its scary side.

What I haven’t discussed is the ultra-scary side.

I’d show you the photo of what exactly I’m talking about, but unfortunately the head honchos at the library said I can’t, because it would comprise security:


If you could see what I’m talking about in the room down the hallway past the sign, you’d see a a row of servers with flashing lights, but the things is these flashing lights connect with other flashing lights in basements, or bunkers, if you will, in Quantico, Va., Washington, D.C. and worse, Cheyenne Mountain near Colorado Springs, Colorado (not to be confused with the Cheyenne Mountain near Colorado Springs, Kentucky).

Whereas the sensors (previously mentioned) read your DNA, these flashing lights read what you read and transmit them to databases with the NSA, the CIA, the FBI, the OSS and every other acronymical agency in the free world — I believe, even the KGB and the Russian Mafia (which are now one and the same, of course) in the spirit of perestroika and glasnost.

And in all of their basements are computers like this:

Yep. WOPR (and unlike the article, it is real). If you read any anti-government books, take out movies or even borrow music considered subversive (that Bing Crosby and Mannheim Steamroller we have at our library are among them), WOPR knows. In fact, today his microchips are about to explode with all the activity I’ve been giving as I write this in draft form on a library computer. Luckily, I haven’t mentioned al Quaeda (link provided in case, you’ve been living under a rock, although maybe if you’ve living been under a rock, you are one of them) yet (oops, too late now)

What got me thinking about this was this past week the system used in our library and many libraries throughout the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania was down. I figured in the wake of the Underwear Bomber incident, the agencies must have circled their wagons and shut down systems to check up on you and me to make sure we’re not planning anything similar (um, yo, home slice, you really think I’m going to put a bomb in my boxers? yo!).

If you took out any Captain Underpants books for your kids recently, don’t be surprised if you receive a knock at your front door from the Men in Black. In fact, I’ll probably receive a knock at my front door from them just because I dared speak the captain’s name.

No, not them.

The REAL Men in Black. The one with the black choppers, dude.

If you don’t know about them, I’ll tell you in more detail…

…in a new intermittent series I’ll be starting next time:

Conspiracy Theories Pennsyltuckians Share Over Schlitzes at Johnny Shmoker’s

Stay tuned.

11 responses to “Wherein I Tell You What’s In The Ultra-Scary Side Of The Basement At Your Local Library

  1. Pingback: The cure for the various troubles that a woman is heir to is simple « an unfinished person (in this unfinished universe)

  2. I know. Two words: Property values. 😉

  3. I KNEW they were spying on me. I'm wearing a tinfoil hat when I go from now on.

  4. A new library is being built very close to where I live.Now I have to move. Library = NIMBY.

  5. Mine too…oh, I mean…NOOOO! 😉

  6. That's what they want you to think. 🙂

  7. My library is just a slab one level, how boring!… or so it appears

  8. Will Smith can knock on my door anytime. 😉

  9. Ha, good series. WOPR…I thought those were in Burger King churning out automated hamburgers…