The Lord said to NOAA there’s gonna be a floody floody this Christmas Day

Christmas Eve.

Ah.

A time for preparing to see family…steel our nerves with a shot or two of Maker’s Mark or whatever bottle of liquor you happen to have handy. You don’t have one? You better get one or two, or, heckfire, a case, and soon.

A time for preparing for our dear Savior’s birth…using his name in vain more than a few times, or at least, underneath our breath (and that’s much better blasphemy, isn’t it, really? the underneath our breath kind where we just THINK it and don’t say it…hmmm, yes, by Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I THINK so) after talking to family members on the phone about what NOAA in his infinite wisdom is predicting for tomorrow.

Which brings me in a roundabout (very roundabout as you will see) to this morning…

NOAA, for those of you who might not recognize the acronym as easily as you recognize FBI or CIA or one of the other intelligence agencies (although I might ask you why you are soooo into those acronyms, something maybe THEY need to look into?), stands for National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration under the U.S. Department of Commerce. I don’t know why it’s under the Department of Commerce, but shows you how our government operates: backasswards.

Yes, these NOAA folks, under another acronym, NWS (National Weather Service) are the people that, to put it politely, put the Scrooge on your Christmas plans.

Or at least the people who try to.

Anyway, since earlier in the week, NOAA has been telling us (yes, the agency talks to us directly in an audible voice, consider yourself lucky you don’t have that voice in your head) that my parents would be getting rain, freezing rain, sleet AND snow, not just the trifecta, but the fourfecta on Christmas Day.

Cut scene to this morning (yes, I’m finally getting there): My sister puts on her Facebook that she

is happy because the weather forecast now says just rain for tomorrow! I get to spend Christmas with my family…..wait. That’s a good thing right?

After what transpired after that message, she might think otherwise.

I promptly went to NOAA myself (the mountain, if you will) and found the link for my parents. Immediately, my eyes were drawn to this ominous red header/link:

Hazardous Weather Outlook

I clicked on it and saw the following:

ON CHRISTMAS…A MIX OF WATER TURNING TO BLOOD, REPTILES, LICE, FLIES, LIVESTOCK, DEATH, BOILS, HAIL, LOCUST, DARKNESS AND DEATH OF FIRSTBORN WILL OVERSPREAD THE AREA STARTING IN THE MORNING AND ENDING LATE IN THE EVENING IF YOU’RE LUCKY.

Okay, not really. I saw this:

ON CHRISTMAS…A MIX OF RAIN AND FREEZING RAIN WILL OVERSPREAD THE AREA LATE IN THE DAY INTO EARLY EVENING.

NOAA, God bless his merry old soul, likes to shout a lot.

Soooo…I jumped to conclusions and thought I should warn my sister. I immediately cut and paste the link for the Hazardous Weather Outlook to my sister.

Then to rub it in, when she called me to tell me about a post that she just put up, I had to tell her again about the impending doom awaiting her should she, my brother-in-law and three-year-old nephew traverse the roads to (and more importantly back tomorrow afternoon) Grandma’s house.

At which point, she told me that’s not what NOAA was telling her…the long and short of it, she hung up on me and then an instant message conversation with The Wife that included her telling me:

Would you CHILL OUT, FFS?

The acronym, which translated for my parent’s sake, as per usual, means “For Fahrvenugen’s sake.”

The Wife then politely translated what NOAA actually was saying for my parents’, if I had to continued to read past the red-lettered warning:

Rain likely, mainly after 3pm. Cloudy, with a high near 35. Southeast wind between 6 and 11 mph. Chance of precipitation is 60%. New rainfall amounts of less than a tenth of an inch possible.

Not shouting, just stating, “Here it is, fyi.”

Honey, you have to look at the top of that and realize that its written for like thirty counties. The HWO isn’t specifically for New Albany.

Me:

But the HWO could be.
It could be for FREAKING everywhere!
BE PREPARED
I was a Boy Scout, you know.

Me:

Not a good Boy Scout, but still…
a Boy Scout.

The Wife:

A NEUROTIC Boy Scout.

All this to say:

Sis, here’s some Maker’s Mark from your neurotic Boy Scout of a brother:

Just take them right off the assembly line. No waiting.

Merry Christmas early!!!! See you tomorrow!

My sister and I aren’t the only ones celebrating Christmas early today…those crazy folks over at Humorbloggers Dot Com are too with the 2nd Annual Christmas Humor Carnival, of which this post is a part. L’Chaim.

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