Believe it or not, as manly as I might have appeared with my ‘stache in high school, I was tortured by my share of female bullies throughout the elementary school years.
It all began…
…back in about 1973 when I was in first grade, maybe even kindergarten, with my archenemy Robyn Richards. She SAT on me! On my back! And punched me, and, yeah, probably spanked me like Leigh did this past year over at Humorbloggers Fantasy Football League Blog.
While now I dream of having a woman (uh, my wife, I hasten to add before she reads this post) do that (hmmm, I can’t imagine why), back then in my formative years, it wasn’t cool.
Sure, it was cool to chew tobacco, but not to swallow it, then throw it up and then never want to chew again. Oh, wait, that was later in fourth grade. I digress (check the name of the blog, it’s what I do, ramble).
About that same time, in third or fourth grade, I encountered two new archenemies: Wendy and Julie, not to confused with Wendy and Lisa. Even though both were younger than I was– maybe two grades below me, that didn’t stop them from harassing me.
Wendy and Julie stole my lunch money, then chased me around the playground with whiffle ball bats (okay, I’m making the whiffle ball bat part up, it was all a blur, morphing from one female bully to the next).
However, I do recall vividly the twin sadists pushed me down on the monkey bars so that I broke my teeth on the top rung of the ladder. I bled profusely and cried like a girl. Of course, they just laughed and claimed they didn’t do it.
One time they chased me up and down our elementary school playground, which was split into two sections. One section had the equipment such as the notorious monkey bars; the other section, a large open grass field that went down to a nearby creek (which at the time had no fence, from what I recall, with lawsuits, I guess, not being considered in the 1970s?).
The field abutted a forest. I think I even ran up into the woods above the baseball/softball diamond near the field to try to escape them.
I’ve even had dreams with this memory in them, with which Freud and Jung would have a field day (that is a whole story for another time: Field Day, where students from our rural elementary schools gathered at the local high school for a day of track and field events).
But of course, Wendy and Julie knew I had to return to the other side of the playground before recess was over…
…and it probably ended with them pushing me down teeth first on to the monkey bars.
Editor’s Note: This post was adapted with slight changes from a post over at Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League Blog.
And another plug for Diesel: Don’t forget to vote for him in the 2008 Weblog Awards where his blog, Mattress Police, is up for Best Humor Blog. Vote here. Please. He needs YOUR vote.