A sort of redneck wedding

This past Saturday, The Wife and I went to a sort of redneck wedding. It wasn’t a full-on My Big Redneck Wedding, as seen on CMT, but it had a few moments.

Moment #1: Just after we were seated in the church, we looked across the way and there sitting two aisles away from us, on the other side of the church, was Joe Bob with a camouflage cap still on his head. I think he saw me  looking at him and gave me the stare back with this thought implied: “WTF are you looking at, peckerwood?” I tried to avert my eyes, but I couldn’t help myself.

In his defense, later, during the service, I looked across the way and he did have his cap off, but that just might have been when the organist was playing the National Anthem or during the seventh-inning stretch when Billy Bob Thornton was playing God Bless America on his harmonica.

Moment #2: Before the service began, we had the town gossips behind us, who were talking about a woman in the aisle to us, who recently had surgery. Oh, sure, you have town gossips in the Big City too, but it’s nothing like the small town gossips where everybody done know everybody, you know?

Woman: “She looks really pale…”

Man: “…like she’s still sick.”

Woman: “She does look pasty, doesn’t she?”

Woman: “Can you get her attention?”

I was wondering why he wanted to get her attention. Maybe he wanted to say: “Hey, Maybellene, didjya know you look pasty? Just thought you should know…Oh, it’s all right, you can cry, it’s a wedding after all.”

Also seated to our left, in front of the pasty woman who just had surgery was a blonde Morticia Adams in a black dress that accentuated her bony shoulder blades that looked like they belonged to Miley Cyrus until she turned around…

“…Lord,  have mercy. She done forgot her makeup and looks a little pasty herself, don’t she, Mary Elizabeth?,” I half expected the man behind me to say.

The Wife said she looked like Keira Knightley with Joni Mitchell’s head.

Moment #3: As we left the church and were getting ready to go to the reception held at the local firehouse, we saw her again and noticed she had the number 24 in blue tattooed on her ankle. Even though The Wife told me not to say anything, being a Jeff Gordon fan myself, I felt obliged to compliment Morticia/Miley/Keira/Joni’s taste– in drivers, if not in how the tattoo looked on her ankle: trashy, capital T.

Moment #4: First song played for group dance: “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Skynyrd — IN…YOUR…FACE…Neil Young!

Moment #5: Back to Joe Bob. As we were in the buffet line (I mean, this was a high class wedding you know?), I happened to be behind Joe Bob and overheard this story about his grandpappy:

“My grandpappy grew up in West Virginny, and he drank moonshine every day of his life. He lived until he was 83.

He had Black Lung in his 50s, but lived another 30 years, thanks to the mountain dew.

He’d have a swig of it every morning when he got up at 4:30 a.m. Some say that’s why he died, because on the day he died, he didn’t drink it.”

Heartwarming, weren’t it?

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Visit Humor-Blogs.com to vote for this heartwarming post and then visit some other funny bloggers, including The Sister and The Soccer Mom, both of whom recently had their own rambles on redneck weddings — although not half as heartwarming as mine.

14 responses to “A sort of redneck wedding

  1. Pingback: Saturday’s Me and You: 9/6/08 « An unfinished person (in this unfinished universe)

  2. We don’t hate on Flatlanders…the Wife (that’s me!) is from South Jersey; it doesn’t get any flatter than that without rollin on over the Delaware Memorial Bridge. Himself was actually BORN up here, married me and hung out in the Philly area for 10 years, then we loaded up the truck and a-moved to Beverlee. (Minus the chickens, the rocker, or millions of dollars from a bubblin’ crude on our property discovered when Himself was a shootin’ at some food. Really, the analogy breaks down almost immediately.)

    And as for Sweet Home Alabama, not only did it happen, but a couple dozen people sprang out of their chairs immediately as soon as it did.

  3. Why don’t I ever get to go to entertaining weddings like this? I’m going to one tomorrow (joy). I’ll have to pay attention.

  4. I’m adding Southern Man to my playlist now.

  5. unfinishedrambler

    Florinda: I didn’t make up that last part about the first dance being Sweet Home Alabama. That’s the truth. Ask The Wife.

    Lobo: Oh, my. That’s pretty good. I didn’t think of that.

    Meg: I’m not hating on Neil Young and flatlanders. It’s Skynyrd that hates Neil Young and I was a flatlander for a while. If you go back far enough, we all were flatlanders. Remember the Flat Earth Society? I think we all belonged to the club once upon a time. 🙂

    Muskrat: I love NASCAR. Please don’t get me wrong. As for Jim Bob, I didn’t mention a Jim Bob in my post, it was Joe Bob. Big dif. 😉

  6. um, i go to nascar and weddings like that. you sayin’ there’s something wrong with that? that hurts.

    and, i have a close friend named jim bob. he’s the guy i swapped dates with at a formal (whom i referenced in my “100 truths” post).

  7. Why are ya all hating on Neil Young and flatlanders?

  8. lol! She IS askin’ for trouble with the number “24” tattooed on her ankle. Not a big NASCAR or Kiefer-head, my reflex would’ve been to ask “Is that how long you keep ’em open?”

    🙂

  9. I REALLY hope you made up the part about the first dance to “Sweet Home Alabama.” But come to think of it, I guess it’s better than “Freebird,” especially at a wedding.

  10. unfinishedrambler

    Jenn: I wouldn’t have known either except I’m a Jeff Gordon fan and the tattoo was in blue and gold, which are his colors.

    Lisa: Uh, yes, he did…and I am NOT a flatlander! (No offense to any flatlanders out there. Flatlander for those of us who live in northern Pennsylvania is any “intruder” from southern Pennsylvania or, even worse, New Jersey.)

    Kirsten: I figgered 😉 that I should give a shout out to one of my Humor-Blogs.com peeps, you know — (heck, like I know what “peeps” means; it sounds to me like it’s some pervert).

    The Wife: I done missed dat (the tats on the bridesmaids) — dang it! And I didn’t even have anything to drink…what was I thinking? 🙂

  11. He forgot to mention that most of the bridesmaids had tattoos, and the dresses showed them off.

    Or that the Best Man’s toast was ‘here is to a happy marriage; hope its your last!’

  12. LMAO! I love the redneck taking his hat off for the national anthem! You have some fancy friends! Did you have some moonshine?!

    Thanks for the shout out! I was going to click to comment and noticed my “name”! Thanks! You just made my day.
    -Soccer Mom

  13. You made that last part up, boy, didn’t ya’?
    Now, don’t lie….no self-respectin’ redneck talks about their family right there in the buffet line.

    Stupid flat lander, anyhow….oh yeah, you might have been born here, but you move down there and ur one of ’em…

  14. And you can see just how much I know about Nascar when I read the bit about the “24” and thought, “WOW, she must really like Kiefer Sutherland…” 🙂