This past Saturday, The Wife and I went to a sort of redneck wedding. It wasn’t a full-on My Big Redneck Wedding, as seen on CMT, but it had a few moments.
Moment #1: Just after we were seated in the church, we looked across the way and there sitting two aisles away from us, on the other side of the church, was Joe Bob with a camouflage cap still on his head. I think he saw me looking at him and gave me the stare back with this thought implied: “WTF are you looking at, peckerwood?” I tried to avert my eyes, but I couldn’t help myself.
In his defense, later, during the service, I looked across the way and he did have his cap off, but that just might have been when the organist was playing the National Anthem or during the seventh-inning stretch when Billy Bob Thornton was playing God Bless America on his harmonica.
Moment #2: Before the service began, we had the town gossips behind us, who were talking about a woman in the aisle to us, who recently had surgery. Oh, sure, you have town gossips in the Big City too, but it’s nothing like the small town gossips where everybody done know everybody, you know?
Woman: “She looks really pale…”
Man: “…like she’s still sick.”
Woman: “She does look pasty, doesn’t she?”
Woman: “Can you get her attention?”
I was wondering why he wanted to get her attention. Maybe he wanted to say: “Hey, Maybellene, didjya know you look pasty? Just thought you should know…Oh, it’s all right, you can cry, it’s a wedding after all.”
Also seated to our left, in front of the pasty woman who just had surgery was a blonde Morticia Adams in a black dress that accentuated her bony shoulder blades that looked like they belonged to Miley Cyrus until she turned around…
“…Lord, have mercy. She done forgot her makeup and looks a little pasty herself, don’t she, Mary Elizabeth?,” I half expected the man behind me to say.
The Wife said she looked like Keira Knightley with Joni Mitchell’s head.
Moment #3: As we left the church and were getting ready to go to the reception held at the local firehouse, we saw her again and noticed she had the number 24 in blue tattooed on her ankle. Even though The Wife told me not to say anything, being a Jeff Gordon fan myself, I felt obliged to compliment Morticia/Miley/Keira/Joni’s taste– in drivers, if not in how the tattoo looked on her ankle: trashy, capital T.
Moment #4: First song played for group dance: “Sweet Home Alabama” by Lynyrd Skynyrd — IN…YOUR…FACE…Neil Young!
Moment #5: Back to Joe Bob. As we were in the buffet line (I mean, this was a high class wedding you know?), I happened to be behind Joe Bob and overheard this story about his grandpappy:
“My grandpappy grew up in West Virginny, and he drank moonshine every day of his life. He lived until he was 83.
He had Black Lung in his 50s, but lived another 30 years, thanks to the mountain dew.
He’d have a swig of it every morning when he got up at 4:30 a.m. Some say that’s why he died, because on the day he died, he didn’t drink it.”
Heartwarming, weren’t it?
Visit Humor-Blogs.com to vote for this heartwarming post and then visit some other funny bloggers, including The Sister and The Soccer Mom, both of whom recently had their own rambles on redneck weddings — although not half as heartwarming as mine.