A few of my wife’s favorite things (for me to leave alone)

Last night as The Wife and I were heading to bed, she gave me The List of her favorite things– that I need to leave alone, and that if I do, I’ll be all right in her book, or maybe I should say if I leave her alone, I won’t be marked down in her book.

What prompted this recitation, of all things, was my going to get a handkerchief from a drawer in our dresser.

She: “That’s not the plaid handkerchief, is it?”

Me: “Why?”

She: “Because that’s my favorite handkerchief and I don’t want you using it.”

Me: “Why?”

She: “I told you, because that’s my favorite handkerchief and I don’t want you using it.”

Me: “No, why is it so special?”

She: “It’s like 30 years old and it’s all old and soft and it’s like my num-num.” [As if they now use sandpaper for handkerchiefs NOW?]

Me: “It’s 30 years old?!?”

[Addendum: “It came from Tracey Dooley’s dead grandfather,” she tells me today. “I like hankies. She hooked me up.”]

She then told me, though, not also was this plaid handkerchief– which if I might say, is one of the ugliest handkerchiefs ever stitched into existence, no matter whether 1978 or 2008– her favorite handkerchief, but also that the orange handkerchief was her favorite handkerchief. [Probably because the green contrasts so nicely with the orange when you blow your nose, you know?]

For some reason, I then asked her if the handkerchiefs were left alone, then that’s all she needed (a la Steve Martin in The Jerk).

She: “Well that and the pens…” (For her holy view of pens, see here.)

Me: “So just those two handkerchiefs and the pens?”

She: “Well, no, there’s more…”

Me: “Wait, I have to write this down.” [at which point I proceeded to get a notebook to transcribe all that follows herein]

She: “My Chapsticks.

Italian bread — the heel.

The piece of pizza — the one with with the bubble of cheese in the middle.

And the heel on the meatloaf.”

So as you can see The Wife is a simple, kindhearted soul who doesn’t need much (not that I’m saying she is a jerk, mind you).


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11 responses to “A few of my wife’s favorite things (for me to leave alone)

  1. There is no greater love than leaving the meatloaf heel for your significant other. We had the put in our vows. That, and I get to park my car in the garage on the side that isn’t all lined up with boxes and oil cans and buckets and a lawn mower.

  2. I’m still feeling a little weak from the whole handkerchief idea… but will manage to summon enough strength to type out the fact that the list of things MY husband has to leave alone is way, way, way longer. You’ve got a nice one, there!

  3. People still use handkerchiefs? NO…say it ain’t so. I’m so disturbed now.

  4. unfinishedperson

    Chatblanc: I know. That’s what I thought too…but look where my wife got her collection, from a dead guy who used them.

    Jenn: You can contact my wife at her blog. It looks like you were both on at the same time…I think it’s about time she has some new “old” hankies (huh?). I’m sure it will make all the difference in the picking of her nose.

    Wife: You know how you say I’m digging myself in a hole? I don’t think you’re doing any better here. Methinks, the lady protesteth too much.

  5. Okay, I figured I’d have to explain this.

    When I use tissues its like a vicious cycle; the fuzzy dust that comes off them makes me sneeze and my nose feel all itchy, which makes it continue to run.

    I also use a different one (I usually carry two) to clean my sunglasses or blot perspiration (blot, so I don’t wipe off the sunscreen I have on).

    I’ve come to prefer them. I figure its the one slightly icky thing I am willing to do from a conservation standpoint. (I would never use cloth diapers even if I had a kid and did you know there are reusable cup-things people employ in lieu of disposable feminine hygiene products? *gag* Against that sort of planet-love, a hanky isn’t so gross.) Its not like I’m walking around with a cloth wrapped nose-goblin collection; if I produce anything real interesting I just chuck it in the wash and get a new one. (Oh, come on. You don’t throw out every pair of drawers with skid marks, do you? And you don’t wash them all by themselves either.)

  6. You know, I can totally hook you up with some nice vintage hankies of your own. I go thrifting all the time. I can swing a few your way, and thus save your marriage at least one potential pitfall.

    Of course, your wife may decide she likes these others ones, too.

    I wouldn’t be able to help you there, then.

  7. people still use hankies?

  8. unfinishedperson

    Lisa, Sarah: It must be something with women and their pens. Geez. 😉

    Sarah: The hankey. I agree. I’ve only been using hankies because didn’t get out to get the tissues yet.

    Jinksy: That’s about the gist of it. But I can have the rest of the pizza, the bread and the meatloaf. So that’s all right.

  9. So unless your lips get chapped, your nose gets runny, you need to write something down or you get hungry, you should be fine.

  10. Lol.. whats wrong with a kleenex????

    Just let her have they hankey… i mean.. really. Thats gross anyways.


    She is right about the pens, the meatloaf, and the bread. those are all good things.. that men shouldnt touch.

  11. This is just as funny this morning as it was last night.

    Crack me right up.

    A little possessive is she?


    Though, I have my rules about what Warren can’t touch too.

    My pens are in that list as well.