The crack of salad dressings: Not coming to a store near you (or me either)

Last post, I shared an e-mail I received from Scripto about their now discontinued Giga pens. This post, I share an e-mail about another of my favorite products, Ken’s Chipotle Ranch Salad Dressing, which is “the crack of salad dressings,” according to my wife and I concur and is the icing on the cake, so to speak, with the Southwestern chicken salad that I get every Wednesday at Weis.

What follows are transcripts of e-mails between my wife and a Ken’s Foods customer line employee:
Subject: Please….retail chipotle ranch

Just wanted to ask if you have considered selling chipotle ranch in the bottle. We love it. Our local supermarket sells a Southwestern chicken salad made so glorious by your dressing that my husband wrote about it:

We had a minor crisis when it was temporarily unavailable but he was pleased to report yesterday that it’s back! I’d love to be able to buy it to dip carrots in.


Subject: RE: Please….retail chipotle ranch

I am sorry to inform you that this item is actually a Foodservice item only and it is only sold To Restaurants and Catering Businesses, because it has a very short shelf life. It is unavailable to the General public. If you have any further questions on this matter please contact me at Any time. Thank you.

[Name deleted]
Ken’s Foods
Consumer line

First of all, I have to say thanks to my wife for:

  1. Sending the e-mail on my behalf so I don’t look like a total loon after already e-mailing Scripto. I mean, I might be coming off sounding like half a loon, which might sound like this, but at least I won’t be sounding like a full loon, which looks like this:
  2. Plugging my blog, which needs all the exposure it can get in showing the world the need for the return of the Scripto Giga pen and Ken’s Chipotle Ranch in the refrigerated section of your local grocery store.

Second, and the last point on my wife’s e-mail, I think dipping carrots in the dressing is just wrong. Personally, if I could, I’d drink it straight from the big gallon bottles in which it comes, or if I could, have it injected straight into my veins. Or through vapors like crack. But never, ever with carrots.

As for the response itself, first, if I was to write my own response, I would refer him/her back to my response to the Scripto sales admin. asst. who answered my request to restart production on the Scripto Giga pen — a response in which I castigated her/him for bad use of grammar in the initial e-mail to me. Here, I think the consumer line person used too many capital letters, starting with Foodservice and then continuing for the next three sentences. If he/she meant it was unavailable to General Public, a la

why didn’t he/she just capitalize Public too? And was the capitalization of Any time meant to be like “Yeah, right, contact me Whenever.” Well, he/she didn’t have to be snotty, you know?

And if he/she truly meant “Any time,” I would like the numbers for his/her:

  1. home phone
  2. personal cell phone
  3. personal address
  4. Social Security card (okay, I know this one might have been a stretch, but I thought why not go for broke and see if I can steal someone’s identity while I’m at it? How else I am going to pay for my Ken’s Chipotle Ranch habit?)

Second, on the content itself, I would refer him/her back to my aforementioned comment to refrigerate the crack of salad dressings. I believe Ken’s profit margins would go through the roof.

And then I would sign it

Sincerely yours,
Cuckoo for Ken’s Chipotle Ranch

It would have been “Loon for Ken’s”, but the alliteration wasn’t there. Sorry.

6 responses to “The crack of salad dressings: Not coming to a store near you (or me either)

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  4. I have the giga pen and a replacement as well.
    Click where it says pens.
    Double click the picture you would like to see.
    Thank you

  5. I think we need to take to the kitchen and figure out how to make the stuff. I can make homemade ranch, its really just the spices we have to get right.
    Yes, we have this much time on our hands. Really.

  6. Would it really upset you if I told you my son-in-law works in the food service industry and could get this product if he lived in the US??? LOL